What Were We Thinking?: TEMPERAMENT

In this second post on tips for the burning question “How do I parent a difficult child?”, we will discuss temperament and understanding what it is and how to parent according to it. Temperament is a personality trait that tells us how we will react to the world around us. It is determined by how individuals act and interact with others. Each person has their own unique set of personality or temperament traits that we are born with. These traits are part of who they are and they are not chosen. Understanding your child’s temperament can help explain their behavior and it can change how you feel about it. Knowing your child’s temperament can help you set realistic expectations for them. You have probably known your child’s temperament since they were born. For example, Charlie is such an easy-going baby, or James really likes his routine.

Sometimes, your child’s temperament is very similar to that of your own. In other ways, it can be quite different. This can be challenging to parent, especially when they are different from one another. There is no right or wrong temperament, every person has their own unique style of thinking, acting, and interacting with the world. Taking the time to learn your child’s temperament can help you develop a strategy to meet their unique needs.

When determining the type of temperament your child may have, raisingchildren.net.au (2020) suggests you consider these three qualities:

“Reactivity: this is how strongly children react to things like exciting events or not getting their own way. Reactive children tend to feel things strongly.

Self-regulation: this is how much children can control their behavior, including the way they show their feelings. It’s also about how much children can control their attention and how persistent they are.

Sociability: this is how comfortable children are when they meet new people or have new experiences.”

When you have a child with a difficult temperament, parenting can feel like a losing battle. Children with difficult temperaments tend to be highly emotionally reactive and sensitive to their environments. Reactive kids also have high energy levels and need more time outdoors. They may also have a hard time winding down and need a good bedtime routine with a relaxation technique to stick to. Difficult temperament kids don’t mean to be difficult. They deal with the world in the only way they know how. However, it’s still important to teach your child appropriate social skills, offer support and unconditional love, and take time to help them get through the more difficult situations. Your goal is not to try to change your child’s temperament. It should be to help them adapt to difficult situations and avoid power struggles and issues common to children with difficult temperaments. Learning to make small adjustments can help make things easier for both of you.

Children who tend to stay calm when they feel emotions like excitement or frustration are more self-regulated. They are not as impulsive as a highly reactive child and can focus their attention for longer periods of time. Less self-regulated children might find it hard to focus their attention and may need more encouragement to finish tasks.

Children who have high sociability like to be around other people and must learn to occupy themselves. They are also very adaptable and can cope with changes very easily. They enjoy having lots of new experiences but will still need one on one time with you. Low sociability children are good at playing by themselves and don’t usually need help finding something to occupy themselves. They like have a routine and are not as adaptable to changes. They need to learn coping mechanisms to hand change.

In the book, “The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting” Steinberg states, “although you don't have control over everything your child encounters, when you do, try to take your child's disposition into account. If your child has a short attention span, don't plan family outings that require a lot of sitting still. If your child is very active physically, choose activities that let him run around and burn off steam. If your child is easily scared, try not to expose him to things that are likely to frighten him. Just think about his temperament, beforehand and use a little common sense” (p. 79). Remember that trying to fight your child’s temperament will not change it. If you learn to work with it, rather than against it, you'll both be a lot happier.