What Were We Thinking?: Developmentally Appropriate Parenting

This is the final post in our series on answering the question “How do I parent a difficult child?” Now that we have learned the importance of taking care of ourselves and we know what our child’s temperament is, let’s make sure we are parenting with developmental appropriateness. Developmentally appropriate parenting is an approach to parenting that accounts for both the age and the individual needs of each child. As children grow and develop, their needs, concerns, and abilities will change. The way you parent will also need to change. Not all children develop at the same rate, so what worked for one of your children may not work for another.

To modify your parenting to fit your child's stage of development, you must have some knowledge of what development is, why it happens, and what it means for you as a parent. Galinsky (1987) presets six parental stages to match the child’s different developmental stages. A condensed version of these stages are:

Image-making (pregnancy). Parents begin to shape their role as parents before the baby is born. They begin to form images in their minds of how life will be with a new baby and what changes will take place.
Nurturing (birth to 18-24 months). Parents form the bonds of attachment and learn to balance the needs of the baby with work, partner, social life, other family, and household needs. This stage lasts until the child learns to say “No.”
Authoritative (2 – 5 years). Parents begin to establish boundaries and rules for their children. They will also begin to establish discipline. Rules are often quite black-and-white during this stage to ensure the child’s safety. This is when parents should explain the reasons for the rules and guide their child towards autonomy so they can develop the ability to make appropriate choices on their own.
Interpretive (5 years – adolescence). Parents should be starting to teach children to take the perspective of others, to interpret the behaviors of other people and react accordingly. Children are often learning to cope with changing peer dynamics such as bullying, peer-pressure, peer-comparisons and establishing a role within a group of friends. Parents can help their children navigate these difficult social situations.
Interdependent (during adolescence). This may be a difficult time for both parents and adolescents as the family tries to find a balance between increasing freedom and independence for the child and maintaining the authority of the parent. Disagreements often happen and there is the added pressure of outside influences. Effective and respectful communication is important during this stage, not only between the teenager and their mother or father but also for the parents to communicate with each other.
Departure (late adolescence to adulthood). The departure stage is when the child reaches full or almost complete independence. It does not necessarily coincide with the young adult physically leaving home. Parents and children can form new roles and begin to communicate on a more level ground. This can be a sad time for parents as they redefine their identities but can also lead them to rediscover their own individual pursuits.

Difficulties most often arise when parents are using a style that is inappropriate for the age of the child, either below age-appropriate level or above age-appropriate level. Some parents refuse to change their ways as their child develops, and then find themselves wondering why they are having a tough using techniques that had worked so well before. The answer may simply be that they are clashing with their child's needs at that point in their development. Good parenting is flexible, and it needs to be tailored to fit with your child's stage of development.

Some things that Steinberg (2004) shared are “when your child develops from one stage to the next, he is changing on the inside as well as the outside. The stages of psychological development that children go through are reasonably predictable. Neither you nor your child can control the nature or pace of her psychological development any more than you or she can control the nature or pace of her physical development. The same forces that are changing your child for the better as he develops are usually contributing to the parenting challenges associated with that period. Once you understand this, you will start to see the difficult times in a more positive light.”

Children are here to be loved not controlled. We need to make sure that the parenting we are doing is always done with love. When you feel like you have messed up, take a step back, and start fresh. Children are very forgiving. Forgive yourself, you are doing a great job!