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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

If you don't laugh at this, you must be DEAD!

This made me laugh so hard I have TEARS running down my face and legs (that is a whole other story). I could totally picture James and I having this same argument.

MUST READ!!! Knock Knock!!! 

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.
Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more g-damn towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.
Laura:  I think you need one of those.
me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.
Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.
me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.
Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.
me:  Victor’d be pissed.
Laura:  Yup.
me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.
Laura:  Yup.
me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.
Laura:  Or Beyoncé.
me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.
Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”
Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”
So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″ but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you,“ and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv!” but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.
Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.




Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.
Laura:  What the f*@#?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?
me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.
Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, a-hole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”
Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.
Best. 15th anniversary. ever.
Found this story here. Thank you for the laugh Bloggess.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Junk Drawer Organization

Before
 I bought a bunch of these yard sticks at Home Depot for about 60 cents a piece for another project that I am working on.
 I cut and glued and here is what I ended up with. Whole project took about 15 minutes and cost less than $2.
 Now I have organized junk! Best part, I can take it out if I don't want it anymore.
After


Thursday, September 15, 2011

This is what I do...

...when I am waiting for the kids to get out of Seminary and I am afraid to fall asleep. I used stuff I found in his car. He was probably ticked I took all of his gum out of the package. At least I didn't chew it first, right?
*giggle, giggle*
Do you think James got the message?
Kayla has been telling me that they have been planning to scare me when I fall asleep in the driveway. She told me that they had something planned for today. I wasn't really sure if I should believe her or not because it wouldn't surprise me if her teacher had planned something with them. Their motto this year is, "whatever happens in Seminary, stays in Seminary!" That scares me a little. Good thing I have my "attack dog with built-in force field!"

He doesn't like being up so early either...


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

FYI I LOVE DIY

I am currently obsessed with DIY right now. I have so many projects that I want to do and have so little time. I have no idea where to begin. I also found this site and fell in love with the "roadkill rescues." I just wish that I had the nerve to get out of my car and pick up people's discarded furniture. Over the last three weeks I have seen many items that I think would have made great additions to our house once I added a little love. Alas, I have not stopped to get the items only to regret it later. James tells me that it is not a big deal to go through other people's garbage because they are throwing it away for a reason, THEY DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE! So my fall goal is to actually find a great piece of discarded furniture and make it my own. If anyone has anything they want to get rid of, let me know and I will take it off your hands.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Summer's Over, REALLY?

Although the summer season hasn't officially ended, the end has come to our days of sleeping in, afternoon swims, daily movie nights, and just plain laziness. We almost finished our "summer bucket list." OK! We completed half of the list. I think that is pretty dang awesome considering the entire month of August was over 100 degrees. I have been working on a few projects, will have pictures at a later date. I have also been seeking some kind of employment that does not include fast food or retail. So far, no luck!

Check out my AWESOMEness! I made my own ice packs.
These little lizards seem to be EVERYWHERE!
If you rub their bellies, they fall asleep.
If you rub their backs, they get mad.
Cooper still trying to catch one of those sucka's!
He spends most of his time walking the perimeter of the yard pretending to be a big bad guard dog.