Developmentally Appropriate Parenting

This is the final post in our series on answering the question “How do I parent a difficult child?” Now that we have learned the importance of taking care of ourselves and we know what our child’s temperament is, let’s make sure we are parenting with developmental appropriateness. Developmentally appropriate parenting is an approach to parenting that accounts for both the age and the individual needs of each child. As children grow and develop, their needs, concerns, and abilities will change. The way you parent will also need to change. Not all children develop at the same rate, so what worked for one of your children may not work for another.

To modify your parenting to fit your child's stage of development, you must have some knowledge of what development is, why it happens, and what it means for you as a parent. Galinsky (1987) presets six parental stages to match the child’s different developmental stages. A condensed version of these stages are:

1. Image-making (pregnancy). Parents begin to shape their role as parents before the baby is born. They begin to form images in their minds of how life will be with a new baby and what changes will take place.
   
2. Nurturing (birth to 18-24 months). Parents form the bonds of attachment and learn to balance the needs of the baby with work, partner, social life, other family, and household needs. This stage lasts until the child learns to say “No.”
   
3. Authoritative (2 – 5 years). Parents begin to establish boundaries and rules for their children. They will also begin to establish discipline. Rules are often quite black-and-white during this stage to ensure the child’s safety. This is when parents should explain the reasons for the rules and guide their child towards autonomy so they can develop the ability to make appropriate choices on their own.
   
4. Interpretive (5 years – adolescence). Parents should be starting to teach children to take the perspective of others, to interpret the behaviors of other people and react accordingly. Children are often learning to cope with changing peer dynamics such as bullying, peer-pressure, peer-comparisons and establishing a role within a group of friends. Parents can help their children navigate these difficult social situations.
   
5. Interdependent (during adolescence). This may be a difficult time for both parents and adolescents as the family tries to find a balance between increasing freedom and independence for the child and maintaining the authority of the parent. Disagreements often happen and there is the added pressure of outside influences. Effective and respectful communication is important during this stage, not only between the teenager and their mother or father but also for the parents to communicate with each other. 
   
6. Departure (late adolescence to adulthood). The departure stage is when the child reaches full or almost complete independence. It does not necessarily coincide with the young adult physically leaving home. Parents and children can form new roles and begin to communicate on a more level ground. This can be a sad time for parents as they redefine their identities but can also lead them to rediscover their own individual pursuits.
   

Difficulties most often arise when parents are using a style that is inappropriate for the age of the child, either below age-appropriate level or above age-appropriate level. Some parents refuse to change their ways as their child develops, and then find themselves wondering why they are having a tough using techniques that had worked so well before. The answer may simply be that they are clashing with their child's needs at that point in their development. Good parenting is flexible, and it needs to be tailored to fit with your child's stage of development.

Some things that Steinberg (2004) shared are “when your child develops from one stage to the next, he is changing on the inside as well as the outside. The stages of psychological development that children go through are reasonably predictable. Neither you nor your child can control the nature or pace of her psychological development any more than you or she can control the nature or pace of her physical development. The same forces that are changing your child for the better as he develops are usually contributing to the parenting challenges associated with that period. Once you understand this, you will start to see the difficult times in a more positive light.”

Children are here to be loved not controlled. We need to make sure that the parenting we are doing is always done with love. When you feel like you have messed up, take a step back, and start fresh. Children are very forgiving. Forgive yourself, you are doing a great job!

Resources

Galinsky, E. (1987). The six stages of parenthood. Perseus Books.

Steinberg, L. (2004). The 10 basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster. 

TEMPERAMENT

In this second post on tips for the burning question “How do I parent a difficult child?”, we will discuss temperament and understanding what it is and how to parent according to it. Temperament is a personality trait that tells us how we will react to the world around us. It is determined by how individuals act and interact with others. Each person has their own unique set of personality or temperament traits that we are born with. These traits are part of who they are and they are not chosen. Understanding your child’s temperament can help explain their behavior and it can change how you feel about it. Knowing your child’s temperament can help you set realistic expectations for them. You have probably known your child’s temperament since they were born. For example, Charlie is such an easy-going baby, or James really likes his routine.

Sometimes, your child’s temperament is very similar to that of your own. In other ways, it can be quite different. This can be challenging to parent, especially when they are different from one another. There is no right or wrong temperament, every person has their own unique style of thinking, acting, and interacting with the world. Taking the time to learn your child’s temperament can help you develop a strategy to meet their unique needs.

When determining the type of temperament your child may have, raisingchildren.net.au (2020) suggests you consider these three qualities:

“Reactivity:  this is how strongly children react to things like exciting events or not getting their own way. Reactive children tend to feel things strongly.

Self-regulation: this is how much children can control their behavior, including the way they show their feelings. It’s also about how much children can control their attention and how persistent they are.

Sociability: this is how comfortable children are when they meet new people or have new experiences.”

When you have a child with a difficult temperament, parenting can feel like a losing battle. Children with difficult temperaments tend to be highly emotionally reactive and sensitive to their environments. Reactive kids also have high energy levels and need more time outdoors. They may also have a hard time winding down and need a good bedtime routine with a relaxation technique to stick to. Difficult temperament kids don’t mean to be difficult. They deal with the world in the only way they know how. However, it’s still important to teach your child appropriate social skills, offer support and unconditional love, and take time to help them get through the more difficult situations. Your goal is not to try to change your child’s temperament. It should be to help them adapt to difficult situations and avoid power struggles and issues common to children with difficult temperaments. Learning to make small adjustments can help make things easier for both of you.

Children who tend to stay calm when they feel emotions like excitement or frustration are more self-regulated. They are not as impulsive as a highly reactive child and can focus their attention for longer periods of time. Less self-regulated children might find it hard to focus their attention and may need more encouragement to finish tasks.

Children who have high sociability like to be around other people and must learn to occupy themselves. They are also very adaptable and can cope with changes very easily. They enjoy having lots of new experiences but will still need one on one time with you. Low sociability children are good at playing by themselves and don’t usually need help finding something to occupy themselves. They like have a routine and are not as adaptable to changes. They need to learn coping mechanisms to hand change.

In the book, “The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting” Steinberg states, “although you don't have control over everything your child encounters, when you do, try to take your child's disposition into account. If your child has a short attention span, don't plan family outings that require a lot of sitting still. If your child is very active physically, choose activities that let him run around and burn off steam. If your child is easily scared, try not to expose him to things that are likely to frighten him. Just think about his temperament, beforehand and use a little common sense” (p. 79). Remember that trying to fight your child’s temperament will not change it. If you learn to work with it, rather than against it, you'll both be a lot happier.

References

Raisingchildren.net.au. (2020, Oct. 30). Temperament: What is it. Australian Government Department of Social Services. https://raisingchildren.net.au/newborns/behaviour/understanding-    behaviour/temperament

Steinberg, L. (2004). The 10 basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster. 

SELF-CARE

A question that many parents have is, "How do I parent a difficult child?" While that is not a simple question to answer because all children and parents are different. Perhaps it is by becoming a better parent and learning new strategies. In the next three blog posts, I will share a few things that I have learned from taking the parenting skills class at BYU-I and the NEPEM (National Extension Parent Education Model) that will hopefully help you as your raise your children.

This first post will cover self-care and why it is important in raising happy, healthy children, especially difficult children. The World Health Organization (2021) defines self-care as: “the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.” Self-care begins with being conscious of your own needs and how much you can give. As a parent, it is important to take care of yourself. If you are like most moms and dads, you get so busy taking care of the kids you need to be reminded to take care of yourself. An important step to becoming a better parent is by practicing self-care.

DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL SELF? Regularly eat healthy meals Get exercise Get enough sleep Get regular check-ups Spend time outdoors Take a break from electronics DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL / EMOTIONAL SELF? Spend time with friends Say no to extra responsibilities Work on your marriage or other relationships Practice gratitude Express your emotions Forgive yourself and others DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR CREATIVE / SPIRITUAL SELF? Allow yourself quiet time to reflect Attend worship Write in a journal Spend time in nature Enjoy a hobby Learn to do something new

What happens to a PARENT when he or she neglects self-care?

The world often pressures parents to give so much to their children that they neglect themselves or feel like they are being selfish or that it is a waste of time to make themselves a priority. This puts undo stress on their mind and body and can lead to significant health issues like high blood pressure, depression, and anger issues. Parents should never feel guilty for taking time for themselves.

“Engaging in a self-care routine has been clinically proven to reduce or eliminate anxiety and depression, reduce stress, improve concentration, minimize frustration and anger, increase happiness, improve energy, and more. From a physical health perspective, self-care has been clinically proven to reduce heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Spiritually, it may help keep us in tune with our higher power as well as realize our meaning in life” (Glowiak, 2020)

What happens to a CHILD when a parent neglects their self-care?

It ultimately teaches our children that its okay to neglect things like eating healthy, getting exercise, maintaining friendships. Parenting can become more challenging because it takes energy to be a good parent. If we are tired, irritable, or sad it becomes more difficult to care for our children and our homes. It is also a good idea to teach your children how to practice their own self-care. Not all self-care needs to be done alone. In fact, if done with your children, it can create a bonding experience for you.

If we fail to take care of ourselves, how can we have anything left to give to others? An old African Proverb states, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Do not be afraid to ask for help when it is needed. There is nothing to be ashamed of if we are on empty and we just can’t do any more. Self-care is personal maintenance that is performed by the individual. Only you know what you need and only you can act on it. Start today with a bones day!

References

World Health Organization. (2021). What do we mean by self-care.                                      

    WHO. https://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/self-care-interventions/definitions/en/

Glowiak, M. (2020, Apr 14). What is self-care and why is it important for you. Southern New 

    Hampshire University. https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/health/what-is-self-care